SIX TIPS, OR HOW TO PLEASE YOUR SLATE – THE FILMS OF 02/09
Posted: February 7th, 2018, 3:04 pm
Move aside, 2017. With Winchester losing out to some sport inspired by the shape of Stewie Griffin’s head, it’s time for the big boys of 2018 to break out and piss as high as the top spot of the Box Office. There’s nothing limited (besides Jamie Dornan’s acting range) out this weekend, so you’re going to have to settle with the wide releases.
Fifty Shades Freed (Universal) is the final part of the not-so-whip-smart adaptation of the self-published Twilight fan-fiction books of some deranged woman who is now worth more than I’ll ever see. The erotic adventures of Mr Grey and Anastasia will come to a long climax as the plot whips itself into a frenzy of betrayal and… marriage? Who knows, but needless to say they’ll be plenty of strangely vanilla depictions of BDSM acts in order to get all those repressed wives thinking of other uses for their kitchen utensils.
I thought the first film would blow its load and turn audiences off its sequels. But like a STD you just couldn’t get rid of the franchise, with the sequel making $114m to the original’s $166m. And so expect this closing section to be marketed as the perfect girls’ night out film and do relatively well – a mid 30s opening and a post-coital cum(e) of $75m or so. That’ll gush out about 9-10 T5 points, a sexy 6 PTA points, and a 4-some IMDB score. Not really worth your 20 bucks, though, so just watch a porno instead. The acting and writing will be better.
Peter Rabbit (Sony) may seem like a perfect pick. It’s a big animation film with little competition until later next month, with a major studio pushing it, and based on a beloved property. Paddington 2 failed to break out due to the Weinstein mess, so this is an opportunity to win over the audiences who flocked to Jumanji. Only… something isn’t quite working. Maybe it’s because the original books’ more subdued tone has been booted out the window, with Peter Rabbit seeming more like Bugs Bunny on a year’s supply of speedballs. Or maybe because someone thought the intolerable James Corden would be best to voice the rabbit. Analysts have been dropping their predictions as the weekend nears, and it’ll be interesting to see the midnight numbers (if it happens at all), but this could underwhelm. I’m feeling an opening of about $18m with a $55m cume, netting you 6-7 T5, 3 PTA points, and a high 5s IMDB. Not quite worth $17/18 unless you think I’m splitting hares.
Finally The 15:17 to Paris (Warner) may sound like a pastoral tale of a septuagenarian couple discovering platonic love while eating overpriced pastries aboard the Eurostar, but it’s actually a dramatic thriller about soldiers. Not only is it based on the true events of a group of US marines who foiled a lone terrorist’s plan to shoot up a busy train, but the actual soldiers involved play themselves. Clint “shoot the snowflakes” Eastwood helms the adaptation.
While many are expecting this to just about break the teens, I think there’s major underestimation going on here. This film stinks of gung-ho jingoism, and regardless of your personal feelings about that there are a huge amount of Trump-loving folk who will eat something like this up. Indeed, similar films like American Sniper, Act of Valor, and Lone Survivor, all exceeded expectations. And I suspect this will too. So we’re going to see an opening in the high teens and a strong hold across the Spring. 5-7 T5 points, 3-4PTA, an IMDB score in the 60s, and a cume of about $75m makes this a great mid-range pick, so for $13 in Ultimate and $13-14 in BO I would seriously consider taking this shooter out.
My predictions for the weekend
1. Fifty Shades Freed - $35m
2. Peter Rabbit - $18m
3. The 15:17 to Paris - $17m
4. Jumanji 2 - $8m
5. The Greatest Showman - $6m
PTA: Fifty Shades Freed, A Fantastic Woman, The 15:17 to Paris, Peter Rabbit, Jumanji
Next week Tranny tackles the already massive Black Panther, destined-to-fail anti-Brexit animation Early Man, and religious flick Samson, as well as indies Loveless, The Party, and Nostalgia
Fifty Shades Freed (Universal) is the final part of the not-so-whip-smart adaptation of the self-published Twilight fan-fiction books of some deranged woman who is now worth more than I’ll ever see. The erotic adventures of Mr Grey and Anastasia will come to a long climax as the plot whips itself into a frenzy of betrayal and… marriage? Who knows, but needless to say they’ll be plenty of strangely vanilla depictions of BDSM acts in order to get all those repressed wives thinking of other uses for their kitchen utensils.
I thought the first film would blow its load and turn audiences off its sequels. But like a STD you just couldn’t get rid of the franchise, with the sequel making $114m to the original’s $166m. And so expect this closing section to be marketed as the perfect girls’ night out film and do relatively well – a mid 30s opening and a post-coital cum(e) of $75m or so. That’ll gush out about 9-10 T5 points, a sexy 6 PTA points, and a 4-some IMDB score. Not really worth your 20 bucks, though, so just watch a porno instead. The acting and writing will be better.
Peter Rabbit (Sony) may seem like a perfect pick. It’s a big animation film with little competition until later next month, with a major studio pushing it, and based on a beloved property. Paddington 2 failed to break out due to the Weinstein mess, so this is an opportunity to win over the audiences who flocked to Jumanji. Only… something isn’t quite working. Maybe it’s because the original books’ more subdued tone has been booted out the window, with Peter Rabbit seeming more like Bugs Bunny on a year’s supply of speedballs. Or maybe because someone thought the intolerable James Corden would be best to voice the rabbit. Analysts have been dropping their predictions as the weekend nears, and it’ll be interesting to see the midnight numbers (if it happens at all), but this could underwhelm. I’m feeling an opening of about $18m with a $55m cume, netting you 6-7 T5, 3 PTA points, and a high 5s IMDB. Not quite worth $17/18 unless you think I’m splitting hares.
Finally The 15:17 to Paris (Warner) may sound like a pastoral tale of a septuagenarian couple discovering platonic love while eating overpriced pastries aboard the Eurostar, but it’s actually a dramatic thriller about soldiers. Not only is it based on the true events of a group of US marines who foiled a lone terrorist’s plan to shoot up a busy train, but the actual soldiers involved play themselves. Clint “shoot the snowflakes” Eastwood helms the adaptation.
While many are expecting this to just about break the teens, I think there’s major underestimation going on here. This film stinks of gung-ho jingoism, and regardless of your personal feelings about that there are a huge amount of Trump-loving folk who will eat something like this up. Indeed, similar films like American Sniper, Act of Valor, and Lone Survivor, all exceeded expectations. And I suspect this will too. So we’re going to see an opening in the high teens and a strong hold across the Spring. 5-7 T5 points, 3-4PTA, an IMDB score in the 60s, and a cume of about $75m makes this a great mid-range pick, so for $13 in Ultimate and $13-14 in BO I would seriously consider taking this shooter out.
My predictions for the weekend
1. Fifty Shades Freed - $35m
2. Peter Rabbit - $18m
3. The 15:17 to Paris - $17m
4. Jumanji 2 - $8m
5. The Greatest Showman - $6m
PTA: Fifty Shades Freed, A Fantastic Woman, The 15:17 to Paris, Peter Rabbit, Jumanji
Next week Tranny tackles the already massive Black Panther, destined-to-fail anti-Brexit animation Early Man, and religious flick Samson, as well as indies Loveless, The Party, and Nostalgia