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SIX TIPS, OR HOW TO PLEASE YOUR SLATE – THE FILMS OF 02/09

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SIX TIPS, OR HOW TO PLEASE YOUR SLATE – THE FILMS OF 02/09

Postby numbersix » February 7th, 2018, 3:04 pm

Move aside, 2017. With Winchester losing out to some sport inspired by the shape of Stewie Griffin’s head, it’s time for the big boys of 2018 to break out and piss as high as the top spot of the Box Office. There’s nothing limited (besides Jamie Dornan’s acting range) out this weekend, so you’re going to have to settle with the wide releases.




Fifty Shades Freed (Universal) is the final part of the not-so-whip-smart adaptation of the self-published Twilight fan-fiction books of some deranged woman who is now worth more than I’ll ever see. The erotic adventures of Mr Grey and Anastasia will come to a long climax as the plot whips itself into a frenzy of betrayal and… marriage? Who knows, but needless to say they’ll be plenty of strangely vanilla depictions of BDSM acts in order to get all those repressed wives thinking of other uses for their kitchen utensils.

I thought the first film would blow its load and turn audiences off its sequels. But like a STD you just couldn’t get rid of the franchise, with the sequel making $114m to the original’s $166m. And so expect this closing section to be marketed as the perfect girls’ night out film and do relatively well – a mid 30s opening and a post-coital cum(e) of $75m or so. That’ll gush out about 9-10 T5 points, a sexy 6 PTA points, and a 4-some IMDB score. Not really worth your 20 bucks, though, so just watch a porno instead. The acting and writing will be better.




Peter Rabbit (Sony) may seem like a perfect pick. It’s a big animation film with little competition until later next month, with a major studio pushing it, and based on a beloved property. Paddington 2 failed to break out due to the Weinstein mess, so this is an opportunity to win over the audiences who flocked to Jumanji. Only… something isn’t quite working. Maybe it’s because the original books’ more subdued tone has been booted out the window, with Peter Rabbit seeming more like Bugs Bunny on a year’s supply of speedballs. Or maybe because someone thought the intolerable James Corden would be best to voice the rabbit. Analysts have been dropping their predictions as the weekend nears, and it’ll be interesting to see the midnight numbers (if it happens at all), but this could underwhelm. I’m feeling an opening of about $18m with a $55m cume, netting you 6-7 T5, 3 PTA points, and a high 5s IMDB. Not quite worth $17/18 unless you think I’m splitting hares.




Finally The 15:17 to Paris (Warner) may sound like a pastoral tale of a septuagenarian couple discovering platonic love while eating overpriced pastries aboard the Eurostar, but it’s actually a dramatic thriller about soldiers. Not only is it based on the true events of a group of US marines who foiled a lone terrorist’s plan to shoot up a busy train, but the actual soldiers involved play themselves. Clint “shoot the snowflakes” Eastwood helms the adaptation.

While many are expecting this to just about break the teens, I think there’s major underestimation going on here. This film stinks of gung-ho jingoism, and regardless of your personal feelings about that there are a huge amount of Trump-loving folk who will eat something like this up. Indeed, similar films like American Sniper, Act of Valor, and Lone Survivor, all exceeded expectations. And I suspect this will too. So we’re going to see an opening in the high teens and a strong hold across the Spring. 5-7 T5 points, 3-4PTA, an IMDB score in the 60s, and a cume of about $75m makes this a great mid-range pick, so for $13 in Ultimate and $13-14 in BO I would seriously consider taking this shooter out.


My predictions for the weekend
1. Fifty Shades Freed - $35m
2. Peter Rabbit - $18m
3. The 15:17 to Paris - $17m
4. Jumanji 2 - $8m
5. The Greatest Showman - $6m


PTA: Fifty Shades Freed, A Fantastic Woman, The 15:17 to Paris, Peter Rabbit, Jumanji

Next week Tranny tackles the already massive Black Panther, destined-to-fail anti-Brexit animation Early Man, and religious flick Samson, as well as indies Loveless, The Party, and Nostalgia
Last edited by numbersix on February 7th, 2018, 4:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: SIX TIPS, OR HOW TO PLEASE YOUR SLATE – THE FILMS OF 02/

Postby transformers2 » February 7th, 2018, 3:17 pm

Lost it at post-coital cum(e).
BRING BRENDAN FRASER BACK TO THE BIG SCREEN DAMN IT
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Re: SIX TIPS, OR HOW TO PLEASE YOUR SLATE – THE FILMS OF 02/

Postby Walleye413 » February 7th, 2018, 3:43 pm

Honestly had a hard time (heh-heh) not laughing out loud while reading this.
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Re: SIX TIPS, OR HOW TO PLEASE YOUR SLATE – THE FILMS OF 02/

Postby Shrykespeare » February 7th, 2018, 3:49 pm

I lost that battle. Several times. My god, I've created an army of witty, sarcastic monsters by stepping down as the regular columnist ...

... and loving every minute.

Great column, Six! Seriously. The only part that sucked was that it ended.
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Re: SIX TIPS, OR HOW TO PLEASE YOUR SLATE – THE FILMS OF 02/

Postby Buscemi2 » February 7th, 2018, 4:22 pm

I agree that The 15:17 to Paris is being underestimated. Act of Valor made $70 million six years ago and this is more or less that with Clint Eastwood directing. Conservatives are going to watch the crap out of this one.
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Re: SIX TIPS, OR HOW TO PLEASE YOUR SLATE – THE FILMS OF 02/

Postby JohnErle » February 7th, 2018, 4:36 pm

It'll be very interesting to see how #MeToo: The Movie plays out. And I figure Peter Rabbit is not well enough known by today's kids, especially American ones, for this to break out.
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Re: SIX TIPS, OR HOW TO PLEASE YOUR SLATE – THE FILMS OF 02/

Postby Buscemi2 » February 7th, 2018, 4:39 pm

I'm sure Peter Rabbit In Name Only will do fine. Trailer reaction's actually been decent (why, I must ask).

And I expect Fifty Shades of Misogyny Part 3 to open well before dying. The sequels were never as popular as the original book (and early reviews are generally negative).
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Re: SIX TIPS, OR HOW TO PLEASE YOUR SLATE – THE FILMS OF 02/

Postby Shrykespeare » February 8th, 2018, 2:14 am

I have never seen, nor read, any of the Fifty Shades books, nor will I ever. As an author, though, I have to appreciate the staggering level of success a self-published series can reach - something that would have been unheard of at the turn of the millennium. Gives hope to the rest of us still struggling to make a few bucks in the biz.

Speaking of which (SHAMELESS PLUG ALERT!), have ANY of you read any of my Wielders series? I'd be willing to send out free copies if you agree to put reviews on Amazon and/or Goodreads. Unless, of course, you hate it, in which case, fuck you. (JK.)

(For what it's worth, my world-building and character-building in this series has been called "phenomenal" by multiple successful authors.)

We now return you to your regularly scheduled column thread.
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Re: SIX TIPS, OR HOW TO PLEASE YOUR SLATE – THE FILMS OF 02/

Postby Buscemi2 » February 8th, 2018, 4:30 am

Fifty Shades of Grey was Twilight fanfiction where they changed the names because the author got greedy. I think the original manuscript (Master of the Universe) might still be available for free.

I'm surprised the success didn't give ideas to the authors of the more infamous fanfics like My Immortal (The Room of fanfics) and Sonichu (the rantings of a creepy furry who has a criminal record).
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Re: SIX TIPS, OR HOW TO PLEASE YOUR SLATE – THE FILMS OF 02/

Postby Walleye413 » February 8th, 2018, 12:00 pm

Hey all - I read Shryke's first book in the Wielders series. Have to get the rest still, but I agree, it's quite good. Well worth taking a break from the silver screen and diving into something that was quite fresh. A fully realized world that's got me intrigued as to what happens next. Ya'll should get it!
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Re: SIX TIPS, OR HOW TO PLEASE YOUR SLATE – THE FILMS OF 02/

Postby Shrykespeare » February 8th, 2018, 7:05 pm

Walleye413 wrote:Hey all - I read Shryke's first book in the Wielders series. Have to get the rest still, but I agree, it's quite good. Well worth taking a break from the silver screen and diving into something that was quite fresh. A fully realized world that's got me intrigued as to what happens next. Ya'll should get it!


Thanks, Wall. Appreciate the kudos. Let me know if you want a free mobi copy of Book 2: Queens.
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Re: SIX TIPS, OR HOW TO PLEASE YOUR SLATE – THE FILMS OF 02/

Postby Shrykespeare » February 8th, 2018, 7:59 pm

Theater counts:

Fifty Shades Freed - 3,768
Peter Rabbit - 3,725
The 15:17 to Paris - 3,042



Next week:

Black Panther - 3,800
Early Man - 2,400
Samson - Wide




Celebrity birthdays:

Christopher Guest turned 70 on 2/5 (Hello. He killed his father. He didn't prepare to die. He did anyway.)
Barbara Hershey turned 70 on 2/5 (starred in the chickflickiest chick flick of all time)
Tom Wilkinson turned 70 on 2/5 (I count 14 films of his that I've seen, and he's improved the quality of pretty much every one)
Ashton Kutcher turned 40 on 2/7 (he's back to TV... at least he's still acting, unlike SWScott)
Happy 70th birthday Jeremy Irons! (9/19/18)
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Re: SIX TIPS, OR HOW TO PLEASE YOUR SLATE – THE FILMS OF 02/

Postby Buscemi2 » February 8th, 2018, 8:02 pm

Seann William Scott was in the Goon sequel last year. It was not worth the five-year wait.
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Re: SIX TIPS, OR HOW TO PLEASE YOUR SLATE – THE FILMS OF 02/

Postby W » February 8th, 2018, 9:26 pm

Kutcher has an investment company and runs a non-profit that combats child sex abuse.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
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Re: SIX TIPS, OR HOW TO PLEASE YOUR SLATE – THE FILMS OF 02/

Postby Shrykespeare » February 8th, 2018, 9:51 pm

W wrote:Kutcher has an investment company and runs a non-profit that combats child sex abuse.



Really? Good on him. That's terrific. I wonder if his role in The Butterfly Effect opened his eyes to this cause.
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